True story:

About 12 years ago I dated a woman (girl, really. She was 19 and I was 22) who was a college student and worked at a KFC. Well, for some reason she got really close to a woman who worked with her so we arranged to hang out with her and her husband.


This woman, named Crystal, was married to a guy named Mark. They lived in a big tool shed behind Mark's dad's trailer outside of Rock Hill, South Carolina. You read that right. They lived in tool shed. Mark worked at a gas station. Neither of them graduated high school or had a driver's license, which is no surprise.

Anyway, Mark had recently discovered the wonders of the internet because, at tax time, Mark's dad decided to get a computer with internet hooked up. Mark was amazed at the information he could find. He was a regular commenter on a WWF message board despite the fact that he was pretty much functionally illiterate. Come to think of it, most people on most message boards in general appear to be functionally illiterate.

Anyway, Mark discovered the wonderful world of urban legends through his WWF fanboards and made it a point to share some of them with us.

He made his wife quit her job at the KFC. His reasoning was recounted in the story he told us — which was extruded through his limited mental acumen and reinforced with copious amounts of Coors Light.


"Y'see, man, I had to tell her to quit workin' there cuz they was usin' them organically grown chickens, man," he told me, one day.

"Organically grown?" I was puzzled.

"Yeah, man. No head, no feathers, no beaks or feet. They ain't even real chickens or somethin. Growed up in a lab. Why d'ya think they got so much meat on tiny little bones?" He spoke with the absolute conviction of an idiot.


I didn't know what to say. I knew that some poultry companies clip the tips off their birds' beaks as they're being transported to slaughter so they won't peck one another to death. I also knew that they clipped wings a lot of the time, too. Also, most people will notice that KFC chicken tends to have slightly smaller bones wrapped in a little more meat as a result of selective breeding. I wasn't going to explain those concepts to him. I figured it would be a waste of time.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter